Grandparenting today looks a lot different from previous generations. Longer lifespans, later retirements, new parenting styles and the digital age have all reshaped the role. Kathy Buckworth reflects on how things have changed in the third instalment of Grandparenting Unfiltered.
When it comes to writing the book on grandparenting, or even just a column about it, I think it’s important to understand what our expectations are for being a grandparent. If we base it on the relationship and experience we had with our own grandparents, we might find that things have changed…a lot.
We are living a lot longer than our grandparents did. There are more great-grandparents around, because our parents are living longer as well. What are the implications of this? Read on to learn more.
Living Longer, Working Longer
When people of my generation were kids, our grandparents were usually retired. Today, we are almost certainly retiring later. Gone are the days of “freedom 55” both from an affordability perspective and a desirability one. We might have to work longer. We might want to work longer. That means grandparents who might have been willing to help with childcare on a regular basis now can’t due to conflicting schedules or finances.
Some of us are also living a healthier lifestyle, as we have learned that things like smoking and fatty foods are bad for us. This is a positive thing, because if we are more active, we can do more active things with our grandkids — hiking, biking, exploring and even travelling outside their cities, provinces and countries.
The Internet’s Impact on Grandparenting Today
One big difference from our grandparents’ era is the internet, and the devices we use to attach ourselves to it. “Digital dementia” is a term describing an older adult who spends an extreme amount of time on their device (smartphone, tablet, laptop) playing games or scrolling social media. They might ignore their grandchildren while caring for them and might encourage indoor digital play for everyone. This is anti-social and limits physical movement.
The internet has also delivered an endless supply of parenting theories, judgmental remarks and the pressures of social media — not only to “keep up with the Joneses” (and their grandkids) but to make sure we are posting in a way our children approve of. All grandparents who want to have healthy relationships with their kids and grandkids should be learning about and respecting the style of parenting their kids are employing.
Do you know what gentle parenting, persuasive parenting and FAFO parenting are? While What to Expect When You’re Expecting might have been the bible for Gen X and boomer parents, there are new theories and measurements for “success” when it comes to raising kids, and we need to accept and embrace them.
Caregiving Expectations and Boundaries
Back in the day, my mother didn’t work outside the house until all four of us were in school, and even then, it was mostly parttime. Today, many parents both work outside the house, so there is an increased demand for daycare.
Should a grandparent today feel guilty about not being caregivers to their grandkids as their grandparents might have been? Absolutely not. If you can help out, that’s a wonderful privilege for you and your kids and grandkids. But if you’re still working full time as well, have health challenges, or financial reasons for not being able to pitch in (or maybe you just don’t want to, and that’s valid, too), it’s your life and you have to live it the way you see fit. It’s a great idea to have the conversation about daycare expectations with your kids before the grandkids arrive.
Is it okay to fall back on old grandparenting styles you saw your grandparents using? Sometimes. If it’s sneaking the grandkids an extra cookie or letting them stay up late, just make sure you have prior permission from the parents. If it’s slipping brandy into the baby bottle or going to the neighbours and leaving a child home alone with an open phone line as the babysitter, absolutely not.
Just remember—it’s not called “grand” parenting for nothing. Check in with your kids on what you’re doing, and you’ll be just grand.
Kathy Buckworth is the award-winning author of six parenting books, including I Am So The Boss Of You (McClelland & Stewart). She is the Go-To Grandma on Breakfast Television (Toronto), CHCH Morning Live and the host and creator of the Go-To Grandma podcast, available on iTunes. She has written for hundreds of publications, print and online, and is absolutely thrilled to graduate from parenting contributor to grandparenting columnist with Parents Canada. She is presently at work on her seventh book, targeted at Gen X grandparents. She has four regular kids and four amazing grandkids.
